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Reflections of self: Paths

There comes a time in a man’s life, that he contemplate his life about what would have happened if he took the other road or went down the uneven path, I wonder what in a man makes him think about these things, What makes him mourn for things that never were.

I think about these things about the past Sometimes there seems to be a path left in my wake where I can see what choices I have made that lead me to where I am now, But what about the silent choices I have made those choices that made me who I am today. I wonder what words or actions have I done that made me who I am, I wonder if I would like the myself if things were different. if I had chose the other path, would I be rich, would I be poor, would I have loved Christ more or less. Why do these choices in life seem to weigh heavy on a soul after their done? Is it Gods way of reminding us that we can always do better, or that even are best choice may not be what we should have done.

I sit and think a lot about my life about my past wondering what I did right and what did I do wrong. have I become the person that God wanted me to be or have I strayed too far from what he wanted me to be and then there is the future, it seems so hidden to me some days on what my life will become or where I will be lead to. I have my Dreams and my hopes. but most of the time they all seem to lead to the same path a simple life of loving God and having a family, to have a small place that I can call my own, I no longer have those dreams of grandeur I am too old to think of those things but to me what I want is better than wealth better then power or strength. I just want to have a wife that I can Love and cherish along with maybe having children and somehow try to leave this world a little better then I found it. I don’t want to change the world just my small section of it. to help people love deeper To help people see the God that I have known all these years, but in the end that is not something that I can do not by myself anyway and not without a lot of grace.

But who am I to do these things, some days Jesus seems as far to me as the earth is to the stars. But I have hope and faith that someday I will see him that I can bend my knee and worship him. Maybe in the end that’s all a man can do is to have hope to have faith and move forward. I was once told that sometimes all a man can do is to put his ear to the wind and listen for that still small voice to wait and mediate on his word. Maybe it is time that I focus on that to hold those I care for closer, to love my loved ones greater and no longer think of what could have been but instead wait for the sunrise of a new day, instead of what I do which is to watch the sunset, not that a sunset isn’t Beautiful on the contrary I love sunsets but I wonder if for me, it’s more symbolic of me trying to hold on to a day that is already old a day that needs to be put to rest I’m not entirely sure.

I always have a macabre thought in my head that my life is the dash between two dates and it always reminds me that I feel like I’m wasting time or even worse wasting the time God has given me. Some days it weighs on me a lot like a mill stone has been tied around my neck other days it doesn’t weight on me at all. Maybe its Gods reminder to me that my time is finite that someday this amazing adventure will have an end. I guess in the end I’m not sure.

So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

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